From Art to Chemistry

I didn’t understand art very well when I was little. I thought it was useless, pointless, and boring. Art class was a pain for me, because I couldn’t figure out the purpose of it. All I can draw is straight lines, circles, and triangles.

Later in my life, as my experience grew, I noticed that art is useful in many ways. Sometimes it is used to put a message in pictures, like in road signs. Sometimes it is about creating feelings for people visiting a place like the decoration of modern hotels or traditional Chinese restaurants. After realizing this, I began to wonder how artists create things that look beautiful and interesting among so many possibilities. What exactly in art makes us feel that way?

I think the relationship between neuroscience and art is similar to that between physics and chemistry. Physicists are trying to know the basic workings of atoms and particles. Chemists are dealing with the function of different combinations of atoms. Neuroscience is the study of the nervous system, the inner workings of the brain, and human psychology. And I think what artists are trying to do is use tools to interact with our brains without first knowing how our brains work. This is not a bad thing because chemists in the 19th century also knew so much about many chemical elements and made great use of them without first knowing exactly how atoms work.

For me, art is just like a chemistry experiment. Artists put many colors, materials, shapes, and sounds together to see what happens when people see them. Chemists add different combinations of elements with different temperatures and quantities together to see what they will produce. I think modern art, which has a tendency toward abstraction, is the very attempt to try to simplify the variables involved just like what we do in science. However, it is still too early to say we can completely understand the complexity and sophistication of art through science.

Purpose of Life

So, what is the point of living a life? I mean, for all those people telling me what life is all about, none of them make sense for me. Having a big house to live so you can spend the whole weekend to clean up the shit? Having a car to drive so you can have the freedom to crash into another car someday and perhaps have a lucky kill? Having a fixed sex mate so one day you can get tired of and have a divorce, spend the rest of your life finding another person to get rid of, and watching movie all day trying to figure out why love cannot be forever? In the sense of happiness, money make little difference if it is enough to support the basic of living.  The pride of wealthiness disappear if you compare yourself with many more wealthy person.

There is no point in life. We are just a phenomenon happen on one point in this vast cosmos, just like lifeless dust, gas, planet, star, and galaxy. We create arbitrary purposes for ourselves because natural selection require us to do so.

And that's all I have to said after I drank a cup of coffee.

Bad Dream

Last night, I dreamed about going back to Taiwanese Military for some unknown reason. Although it was probably the worst dream I can have, somehow I knew it is not real even it seemed real in every bit of my vision. I knew it is not real instantly because my skin still feel comfortable and there were not a single heavy weight on my shoulder.


However, the intense psychological pressure was still present. In the dream, they told me I still have few days left and so I followed the crowd and soon made formation just like we used to. After a while, again for no apparent reason, they picked me from the the formation, and started to tell me I have a very serious discipline problem, because I behaved like I have higher education so I don't have to follow their instruction, like I sometimes been told.

And then, I can not remember the rest of the dream.

The most uncomfortable and undesirable thing always going to be repeated in my dream, whether it was about my future or the past. Sadly, I cannot do anything about it. Right now, what I can do is just step by step and looking forward. Maybe, go toward a brighter future.

Being Free

Sometimes I don't quite aware that I finally being free of doing lots of things. Since I got out from military, I stopped feel being threaten and forced to do anything I don't want to. But I think whatever I try, I just can't forgot my life in military. Even now, I feel I am on a vacation and I have to go back again, just like old times.
Anyway, my real new life began here in Pleasant Hill, California. I am pretty glad the weather is great, food is normal regardless how they said back in Taiwan, and people are generally friendly. Maybe I like here because I wanted to, like I hate Taiwanese Army because I intended to do so. But I don't care. Flash back to 8 years ago, I were still a freshman at high school, and I had always been terrified to think what job I am going to do, how life will suffer if I ever grow up. Right now, the future is never clearer than ever. There will be bumps along the road, but I can see it now.

--Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now.

"Mine" by Taylor Swift --------"Mine" music video

I thought...

I thought I want to search something interesting on the internet, but what I did is just spending my time escaping reality.

I thought I hate Taiwan, but what I actually hate is part of many unsolvable problems all around the world.

I thought I grow up during the past year, but I still look like I just finished a crappy education without skill and knowledge.

I thought I will be better, but I am not.

I thought I can be more optimistic, but it is hard.

My military life left only 53 days.

How did I made it through 282 days? I don’t know.


But I know I can not look back.

Been Changed

I always thought my short stay in Iowa changed me the most, but it isn’t anymore. Right now, in the military, I feel I do things more selfishly, treat others more carelessly, and fake my emotion more successfully. The feel of desperation causes human ancient behavior to reveal again in this modern world. But if I think optimistically, I became tougher because of all the stresses in order to obey every command that officers made. And I became healthier because I have no excuses to not have exercise.

However, most important of all, I kept observing everything relative to acknowledge human behavior. In military, I saw how centralized decision making can made the whole system inefficient and corrupt from the very root. It was built in this kind of system. How can commanding officers care the difficulty and the time-consuming nature in a mission if the one who is actually doing it is not allowed to say how ridiculous the mission is and how most of the time is wasted on many unnecessary rules made for reasons that only serve to save some commander’s terrible management ability so he can receive remuneration for life after he retired? I just can’t see how this military can win any war or do anything efficient with a tendency of throwing money and time to an endless stupidity.

Serving in the military has both pros and cons, but I would rather be elsewhere. Maybe half way around the earth.

And by the way, I have no relative pictures to show. Remember, stupidity is always standing in the way of information flow.

Waiting and Escaping

My life were pretty much all about waiting and escaping.

I don't really remember my preschool age that much, but I guess I was just waiting for grow up. I didn't have worries to escaping from except some rare incident that cause my parent's wrath, which I didn't have such ability to possibility avoid.

Six years of elementary school is the most violent environment I have ever experience, especially the latter years. I did't even know violence is not supposed to be the nature of education until I grew much older. In class, I will be slam in both hands if I don't hand in my homework in time, perform tests badly, or not behave accordingly. But I doubt that education is the purpose of such punishment, even at that little age I sense those intense anger and frustration on the faces of my teachers are the true reason. Why anger? Why frustration? I don't know. Maybe they thought education is all about indoctrinating the strictest moral value, so our future society can be more perfect, and failing to do so is endangering their reputation. Or, maybe they thought textbooks and tests is all students have to know. Remembering them is so easy that whoever fails the test must subject to laziness and stupidity. Sometimes I and my classmate were lucky that we knew our test score early, so we can count how many slam we ought to get and psychologically (even physically, don't ask me how) prepare for it. I always want to escape from it, naturally. But that was the only school nearby. We didn't have much choice, and my parents told me they went through the same thing, why can't I? Every time I had been punished hard, I wished I can grow up. Waiting was my only choice.

Junior High is a different place—at least a bit different. The crazy-manner, child-hater, and punish-addict kind of teacher no longer hold dominant number in the school. I think partly because there are more educated parents in the city (Yea, I moved) and partly because teachers were more often been criticized on media (and sued) as year passes. But some teachers still ignored the tendency of educational reform and constantly indoctrinated the discipline legitimacy (I rather call it child-abuse legitimacy) while continued their own style of penalty (Ass/hand-slamming and ear-twisting). I did violate those rules and got those penalties, every classmate did. However, that was not because I don't want to learn or I don't want to know. I felt bored remembering every detail in the textbooks and taking average 4 or 5 tests a day. I felt tired of doing endless and meaningless homework every night without really learning anything. I really wanted to leave somewhere else in any possible way at that time. But escaping everything teacher told me to do was the best I can do. I tried to treat school as a behavior adjusting facility rather than an educational institute. I copied most of my homework from others either at the morning or the 10 minutes break just before that class. I constantly cheated on tests in a tricky way (would you just don't bother to ask how?) so my tests won't be too high to get too much attention nor too low to be punished. Why not try just don't go to school? No. Those teachers knew and I knew that most students will think that way. No mercy, sorry. If I excuse myself from class for whatever reason, I have to finish homework and tests I missed with no exception. This will only makes my day worse. I was still waiting for time to pass; waiting for suffer to end. While knowing that the end was going to be a big test, decide which school I ought to be.

I once thought my high school life will be better, but it wasn't. For me, it is a psychological torture facility. Those teachers had stopped adjusting students, at least without a rod, but they had no idea how 9 years of "education" can made. All I remember in class is just constant devastating noises—no science learning, no problem solving, and no language-communication training, but only chatting, laughing, and murmuring exist. I really want to learn and listen to what teacher trying to say (at least some), though classmates' loud silly-talking block my flow of thinking all the way down to the end of day. The cause is not because there were more "bad" students in my school; it is the previous punish-leading education leads to the total distrust of authority; it is because most of student spent most their night went to other place for the purpose of "more effective learning" as well. In other words, student won't give a damn thing for what teacher said no more. They had already learned how to beat every test in expensive private school, and using public school only as a playground. Also, the part that I don't remember in class is because some class are so boring that everyone went to a complete sleep just after 5 minute the class began. Ironically, compare to ear-suffering status, sleeping and dreaming with a painful sitting posture in class was my only salvation. In a way, I went to joint club activity during my break between classes and lunch break just to escape. Overall, I was waiting, and I wished soon I can join the legendary free world, college. However, with no exception, I have to take a big test again. Unlike my last big test, my anxious disappeared—along with my courage to take another one.

Somehow, after the General Scholastic Ability Test, the summer break I had always waiting for was no longer just a summer break. I was totally free; no more fake summer break that I have to go to school half a day and carry a ton of homework back home; no more annoy psycho can tell me stop doing whatever I want and how important to do well on tests, so I can get an easy job, sit in an office, and doing nothing productive. Of course, I was waiting for college, the place I thought I can learn the very knowledge and truth.

Indeed, I was disappointed. The class was not as good as I thought it could be. And I didn't have much choice for what course I like, even what instructor I prefer to attend. It let me feels I returned my high school again. That is not the fault of Tatung University itself but the cause of commonly low tuition within this island. And I realized much later why choices can be so much expensive. But, regardless some disappointment, I was glad to learn more about the true world and to listen some mechanical product making method or real life experience. Also, I had much more free time to spend on what I like, despite the fact that some general and language course instructors still gave us meaningless homework and memory-based tests just like high school. It turns out that those free times are more valuable than anything. It seemed to me that, by the time I've spent one year deliberately using English excessively the same way as it is my first language, I've learned more than anything my 6 years of English education had ever taught me. Again, I tried to escape; I sometimes can't help but slept in class because I only had my free time at night; I read textbooks by myself to compensating my intentional absence of concentration on Chinese-base classes; And I wait, wait for a chance.

Every summer and winter after my freshman year, I would go to New York. That is a place too crowded for me, and those famous shopping places are like a pin in my eyes. Maybe I would like New York if I was raised lack of entertainment or fulfillment, but I was not. I already have internet as my entertainment and knowledge as my fulfillment. But anyway, thankfully, I can escape from the intolerable hot and humid weather in Taiwan.

Then, at the fourth year of my college, somehow I got my chance to go to Iowa State University for a short semester. I gradually understand what education really mean to offer is just guidance; not moral indoctrination; not remembering detail word-by-word. I felt like I belong to that place more than anywhere simply because I need guidance, the kind of guidance I lack during my whole life. However, I decided I can wait, patiently, just one more year of suffering. And I can probability thinking about how to mentally escaping it as well.

Timeless life

Imagine living in a timeless life. Where you eat when you hungry, you sleep when you tired, and you do your work whenever you want to.

That's the current state of my life, except for Tuesday and Thursday when I have class. I can listen to music as I read some web news, watching music video while searching for lyrics, and lying on my bed overwhelmed by the wonderfulness of Planet Earth without aware of time. Most recently, watching Pomplamoose Music video and recall the first time I hear their music in my little room at Iowa State. That memory contains not just images, but the feeling of environment as well.

Anyway, I'm sure this kind of life will not keep going for long. So, I better find a way to remember it. That's this blog for, isn't it?

Nervous System

Recently I feel like I have a problem with doing meaningful things. I only have class 2 days a week, have almost no homework to do, and have nothing but my laptop accompany. I don't know why, but something stops me from doing anything productive. Yeah, you can say I'm lazy. But I really want to do something useful.

One night I woke up with this insecurity feeling and started to review my recent life. Almost nothing, nothing is significant enough to stands on the way after Iowa. But at the same time what I can do now is an important factor that can affect my future. So I should find a way to do things differently.

By the way, how many of you guys think of what is the true purpose of life? For what reason human work so hard to live?

For now on, my answer is quite simple. The source of motivation is just the stimulation upon human nervous system.

Alien Mind

I feel like an alien in Iowa State University, of course. But feel like an alien in Taiwan is a new thing for me.

The feeling of being an alien, obviously, comes from differences of the outward appearance of human beings. Like height, color of hair, color of eyes and skull structure. And it also comes from immanence, like language and culture. At first, it seems like it is other people’s fault that makes me feel weird and unpredictable towards their action. But as I stay in an alien group long enough (three different kind of group: American, Asian and European), I developed some strategy to deal every kinds of them. Then I have to shift my mind set if I meet two groups of them in one day. At that time, I’m not trying to be the guy that say everything that is “pleasant to hear” to every kinds of group. I just want to use this exchange student opportunity well so I can observe as more as I can. Regardless of Observation, I began to feel like an outsider everywhere even in Taiwanese groups. This feeling grew noticeably at the end of semester. And when I arrived at the airport of Taiwan, I was no longer in the same mind.

Everything’s changed since.

Acting silence more often, for the greater good, so I wouldn’t be able to leak out more unnecessary information to the rest of the world.

Writing

I've tried to write a article several times, but nothing came out well. Every time I pick a topic and started to write, I would end up struck in the middle of a sentence. And felt too awkward to write anything farther. So after I tried about three times, I gave up, and then wrote this blog about I can't write anything instead.

I was laughing myself and wonder why, but the answer could be serious. I'm not ready to write a meaningful and intellectual blog yet. What I should do now, is to improve the skill of writing, read as more as I can, so I can emulate the other writer's expression method.

It's so hard to learn a language all over again, after wasting time in front of thousands of English test paper in my fucking education/imprisonment. I truly wish I could have a different childhood, so many things wouldn't happen like this(just saying).

But what's more important for me is to face the fact that the only things worth to do right now is to stop complaining, and do something worthiness.

Mind Prison

No doubt, school in Taiwan are built like prison, fill with walls, fences, and security guards. Not only prevent contact with outsiders, but also avoid students to get away any easier. Teachers and all the other education system staffs tried every possible reason and excuse to expand the time of schooling. In the worst case, 14 hours a day at school in last several months of 9th grade.

But the real thing they put in those prisons is not actually your physical body; it is your young, free, creative, and innocent mind. Those walls, fences, and guards alone can’t keep you inside a small, tightened, and uncomfortable seat, force you to do thousands of tests a week, and doing nothing but memorizing knowledge whole day that you probably wouldn’t use for the rest of your life. It’s an illusion that trapped, and fooled those minds.

An illusion of having a wealthy and happy life if you do well on all tests just like those people in upper class but not those poor guys in working class.

An illusion that let you think it is worth to give up those dreams and interest you had and end up doing a job you won’t like.

An illusion that everybody believe in; An illusion that everyone in it will try their best to fool others, so the illusion itself wouldn’t break anytime sooner than their death.

I was in that illusion once, but the frustration to give up my dreams is the reason why I have to break out and find another path of life.

Because these things will change,

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down,

It's a revolution,

The time will come for us to finally win,

- "Change" by Taylor Swift

Now listen, here I am, my American Dream.

Mute Experiences

Have you ever have experiences that you really want to mute someone just like mute TV?

I do, a lot of time.

Sometimes people tend to say the same things again and again in different ways and won't tired of it(but apparently others do), and you really want to mute them. You can't actually point a controller at them like TV, but you can wear your headphone so you won't hear anything.

I don't know I can have any different experiences other than the happiness of hear what you want to hear while wearing a headphone. But at a scene you watch a group of people speaking soundless, you feel so much fun. It's like a muted live 3D advertisement.

And it is unnecessary to turn it off, because the price of inefficiency of energy usage will not add to your next month's utility bill.

4 Days After Arrived

It's been 4 days since I arrived in New York.

Day one is not completely in New York, but I can say that's a lucky day. I arrived about 11pm. Luckily have my baggage early. Luckily helped by a lady so I can went through the subway door quickly, and got in the E-train just in time, and got a chance to talk to an amazing/beautiful girl(major in film!!, never hear of before) in the subway. That's something that I never expect.

In that day I first experience the potential of how helping can make things better and efficient. And see things differently so I can enjoy every moment rather then just keep complaining.

That night, in bed, I was just singing "I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on. Oh I'm just a boy, trying to find a place in This world".

Day two and three are both shopping day. It's not a boring day though. We've got to go to a new supermarket and couple electric stores. We bought a lot of food and a laptop which ensure that I can eating while using the computer with out running out of food(just kidding).

Day four. I am sick. What do you expect me to say? It sucks?

By the way, this blog is written using Dvorak. Isn't it great?

A piece of cake

I found myself in a position where I keep complaining constantly.

Complaining anything from education system to traffic, from weather to people, from cars to buildings. I just keep complaining almost everything that happened to me. I can’t find a way to stop it. Although I can keep my fake little smile on my face, I’m still not happy right now.

What about my exchange student plan? Think this way: you want to taste a cake, and it looks like really delicious. But you have thousands of people warm you it could contain heavy metal, radioactive wastes, and dog shit. Can you still feel cool to eating this?

But I think the life in America is gonna be just like a piece of cake.

Stealing Time

4 am in the morning. Stealing time at the first hour of a day. Can't sleep, trying to know why.
There are bunch of reasons I think are possible for causes.
Unpreparedness and uncertainty of the exchange student plan. Undone and can’t-be-done-efficiently homework, reports, and preparedness of tests. Excitement and worry of living fairer and better life.
All those things add together, make me feel like I have to write again. Write about my feelings, so I can go back to normal. This is the time when I saw myself changed most.
The time of the darkest and longest night before sunrise.

But honesty, I think maybe it’s just because the ice black tea.

Waiting

Waiting for something badly is the status of me. And I was trying to think "You do everything you can do, and hope for the best. But do not expect anything".

And also, I started to take care more at my face, hair, teeth and body. Because I think ultimately those will become the most important things someday.

The insecurity

Have you ever had the feeling that when you walk on the street you wounding too much that something is goanna happened to you or you are goanna embarrassed yourself? That kind of insecurity is the reason why I feel depression most of the time in New York.

But after I review the state of my mind, I find that the origin of insecurity is cause by elders in my family, instead of the true state of security or the event happened to me.

Those elders will tell you every kind of scary story they heard to show you that U.S. is a country fill with thief, liar and murderer. Those stories scared the shit out of me. I tried not to think those stuffs too seriously. But by the fact that you have to listen to them to tell those stories again and again and again. You wouldn’t have the chance to forget it. Those things just like a barrier being deliberately implanted in my subconscious, so I can act more like Chinese instead those “foreigners” (which those elders always call them).

This is not the way I like. More accurately, I hate the whole process of “remind and admonish”, which include at least three times of “what you should do” and countless of storytelling which about some guys mess up everything and looking like a stupid crap. Also, this will be repeated again when they feel it has a little connection between their meaningless daily conversations.

This “for your own good” thing bothers me more and more often. Because I think it is not usually for my own good. All those stories they told is just examples or events that happened (or they think it will happened). It’s just the sum of all the bad things they heard in their whole life, and it’s not the major thing that really should pay attention to.

Maybe there have a small chance that there has a group of thief targeting guys travel alone, trying to steal their bags beside the scanning machine (in the airport). But what exactly rate of these crime happened? Once per month? While I put my attention into every those little things, I could missing something that really matters. (Just like last time when I crossing the scanning machine… Oh gosh, I don’t even want to mention about it).

So, please please please, don’t do this to me again. I can’t take it anymore.

Taylor Swift

Just about couple days after my final test ended, I run out of things to do. So I started to randomly look up files in my computer and listen to some country music. But after review almost all interesting movies, pictures, novels, and magazines. I feel boring again. I also tried to writing my blog that I abandon nearly half of the year. Unfortunately, that didn’t make me feel vital either.

But while I looked at the monitor wandering what to do, I saw winamp’s playlist showing “Taylor Swift – Our song” and didn’t even know who the singer is. So I look deep into the internet and find out that she is actually a very young and talented singer, began her successful career at the age of 16, win many fan voted awards like GAC’s.

I find out that the more I see videos about Taylor the more I being impressed by her. She is that kinds of people have their dream come true, but not act like she satisfies present accomplishment. She even filmed her self-made video and put it in her blog while she go around places singing her song in order to remind people to buy her new album. And most important of all, she is not only looks beautiful, but have special personalities.

What’s my point anyway?

I like her attitude of deal with things. I like every movement she sings. I like her mysterious smile. I can see her video like hundred times that I can still laugh.

I almost in love with her.

Here is Taylor Swift

"I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"

-Taylor Swift - "A Place In This World"

Pedestrians

Consider this situation:

On a beautiful sunny day, you are ready to go home with your happy mood. But on the way to the bus stop, you feel deeply that your neighbor didn’t welcome anyone with foot to cross. Because you see this

You think this is just a single incident?

They must mean it.

Yes, definitely.

Deliberately.

Constantly.

So, what can you feel after crossed those messes?

Well, I have to say, you have to keep calm, maintain your happy feeling whatsoever.

When you can’t change things around you, the only choice is to let go and move on.