Bad Dream

Last night, I dreamed about going back to Taiwanese Military for some unknown reason. Although it was probably the worst dream I can have, somehow I knew it is not real even it seemed real in every bit of my vision. I knew it is not real instantly because my skin still feel comfortable and there were not a single heavy weight on my shoulder.


However, the intense psychological pressure was still present. In the dream, they told me I still have few days left and so I followed the crowd and soon made formation just like we used to. After a while, again for no apparent reason, they picked me from the the formation, and started to tell me I have a very serious discipline problem, because I behaved like I have higher education so I don't have to follow their instruction, like I sometimes been told.

And then, I can not remember the rest of the dream.

The most uncomfortable and undesirable thing always going to be repeated in my dream, whether it was about my future or the past. Sadly, I cannot do anything about it. Right now, what I can do is just step by step and looking forward. Maybe, go toward a brighter future.

Being Free

Sometimes I don't quite aware that I finally being free of doing lots of things. Since I got out from military, I stopped feel being threaten and forced to do anything I don't want to. But I think whatever I try, I just can't forgot my life in military. Even now, I feel I am on a vacation and I have to go back again, just like old times.
Anyway, my real new life began here in Pleasant Hill, California. I am pretty glad the weather is great, food is normal regardless how they said back in Taiwan, and people are generally friendly. Maybe I like here because I wanted to, like I hate Taiwanese Army because I intended to do so. But I don't care. Flash back to 8 years ago, I were still a freshman at high school, and I had always been terrified to think what job I am going to do, how life will suffer if I ever grow up. Right now, the future is never clearer than ever. There will be bumps along the road, but I can see it now.

--Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now.

"Mine" by Taylor Swift --------"Mine" music video

I thought...

I thought I want to search something interesting on the internet, but what I did is just spending my time escaping reality.

I thought I hate Taiwan, but what I actually hate is part of many unsolvable problems all around the world.

I thought I grow up during the past year, but I still look like I just finished a crappy education without skill and knowledge.

I thought I will be better, but I am not.

I thought I can be more optimistic, but it is hard.

My military life left only 53 days.

How did I made it through 282 days? I don’t know.


But I know I can not look back.

Cold

I feel cold, not particularly because it's winter, but also because I feel cold inside. And I fear about ever going back to this island and ever mention this sad place in my rest of life. I feel pain in my bone, because I always have to carry something heavy or something troublesome. My hands are still grubby with dirt, lie, and shame that can never be washed out. My feet are hurt because I was forced to wearing uncomfortable boots and trapped inside without freedom. For me, this place is only served to torture young people both mentally and physically with excessive government power. Even worst, the very kind of volunteers is the kind with poor economic condition, broken family, or social disorder. In the result, this environment is filled with violence and it spread like a disease. I’m tired of this, but the end is still far away.

Been Changed

I always thought my short stay in Iowa changed me the most, but it isn’t anymore. Right now, in the military, I feel I do things more selfishly, treat others more carelessly, and fake my emotion more successfully. The feel of desperation causes human ancient behavior to reveal again in this modern world. But if I think optimistically, I became tougher because of all the stresses in order to obey every command that officers made. And I became healthier because I have no excuses to not have exercise.

However, most important of all, I kept observing everything relative to acknowledge human behavior. In military, I saw how centralized decision making can made the whole system inefficient and corrupt from the very root. It was built in this kind of system. How can commanding officers care the difficulty and the time-consuming nature in a mission if the one who is actually doing it is not allowed to say how ridiculous the mission is and how most of the time is wasted on many unnecessary rules made for reasons that only serve to save some commander’s terrible management ability so he can receive remuneration for life after he retired? I just can’t see how this military can win any war or do anything efficient with a tendency of throwing money and time to an endless stupidity.

Serving in the military has both pros and cons, but I would rather be elsewhere. Maybe half way around the earth.

And by the way, I have no relative pictures to show. Remember, stupidity is always standing in the way of information flow.